


Expressions

by ruemasde



Category: The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells
Genre: Amena POV, Amena is concerned about Murderbot, And Murderbot wishes it had its armor back, Gen, POV First Person, Post-Network Effect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:35:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27482056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruemasde/pseuds/ruemasde
Summary: While waiting for the University decontam team to reach them and clear ART for travel again, Amena talks to Murderbot about its reservations on joining ART's crew.(Amena pries, ART is smug, and Murderbot wishes it had its helmet back)
Relationships: Amena & Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries), Asshole Research Transport & Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 112





	Expressions

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I finished this series this week, and then had to immediately start re-listening/reading it, and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. This originally started as a section of a fic focused on Amena and Murderbot and all the emotions Murderbot wished wouldn't show on its face, and its still that but then this one scene grew large enough to be its own thing.

When I walked into the room, I was surprised to see SecUnit there, and more surprised to see what it was doing. It was standing in the corner of the room, staring at the other side with that faraway look it often got when focused on something else, or when it just didn’t want to make eye contact. That part wasn’t strange, but the standing was; it seemed to relish in the ability to sit wherever and whenever it wanted. After a second I noticed how still it was, and I was worried for a second something was really,  _ medically _ wrong, before remembering that SecUnit had mentioned it usually runs code to make itself seem more human, which included small movements. I hadn’t thought it made much of a difference when it turned them off before going to the corporate ship with Arada, but now I could see how much of an effect it had. 

It was looking out into the room, but it didn’t seem to react as I slowly came closer, walking right in its field of view. I bit my lip; if it was focusing on something else I didn't want to bother it, but something seemed off about this and I wanted to make sure it was ok. 

Making my steps loud didnt get its attention either, so when I was closer but still far enough away I called, “SecUnit?”

(I knew now that apparently SecUnit called itself “Murderbot”, after hearing Three’s report. I had wanted to ask about it, but had been too nervous to. 

When I asked ART if it thought I should call it that, it said,  _ Continue to call it SecUnit unless it tells you otherwise. If it wants you to call it that, it should be its choice _ . 

I wasn't sure what to think about that, because I think I’d prefer people to call me by my name, but by now I knew that ART knew SecUnit very well, and cared about it a great deal, so I listened.)

At the sound of my voice SecUnit flinched violently, moving its arms in a defensive position, and I winced. It always looked so scared when someone caught it off guard, even if the expression only remained on its face for a moment. 

(The first time I had seen it flinch like that was on Preservation Station, when I had been visiting my second mom. It had been at the shuttle to bring me to her office, and I had rolled my eyes at needing a babysitter. I tried to tell it I knew the way, it could leave, but it didn't say anything, just stood there until I huffed a sigh and started walking with it. 

The area we were walking through was crowded from a newly arrived transport. SecUnit did a good job avoiding the masses of people, but it was still packed. Then, some random traveler brushed against SecUnit for a second and it flinched, jerking its whole body to the side. It was in front of me, so I couldn't see its face, but at that point I had seen it so little I didn't know if it even made facial expressions. 

It had paused for a moment, then put itself back together and kept walking like nothing had happened. 

I had thought it was funny, like it was embarrassed it had reacted so strongly to an unexpected brush, and didn't want me to comment. I would have teased my friends if it had happened to them, but it wasn’t my friend and I didn't want to talk to it anyway. 

Later, when the contract for the survey team went around, and I saw that Pin-Lee has made. “Do not touch the Security Consultant,” an explicit part of it, I thought it was less funny.) 

I wanted to say something to comfort it, but it never seemed to appreciate someone mentioning that its face did something it didn't mean to, and also would rather die than admit it might like comfort. I gave it a moment to collect itself; it was fast, and I wondered how obvious its small expressions even were to someone not looking. 

“Amena,” it said, having gone back to its position staring across the room. “Is there something wrong?” 

(When I tried to get out of having SecUnit come on the survey with me, which ended up with me getting yelled at by all my parents at once, the call had ended with just me and my second mom on the line. She had been sitting at her desk, with a hand on her forehead, looking suddenly very tired and older than I had ever seen her. 

She had said, “Amena, I know you think you don’t need protection, but the further you get from Preservation the more dangerous it is. This isn’t because I don't trust you, it's because I love you and want to know that you’re safe. I know SecUnit well, and I just want to know that you’re being watched out for.”

I had huffed at that, saying, “Just because it likes you doesn’t mean it likes the rest of us.” I meant myself specifically, but saying that might make her ask me why, and I still wasn't sure if SecUnit had ever ratted me out. 

Second mom had frowned and said, “SecUnit cares deeply for all the people it decides to protect, even if it would prefer not to admit it. If it has agreed to work with you, I know it will do everything in its power to protect you, and your uncle, and everyone else. There's not a single doubt in my mind about that.”

Amena didn't want to say,  _ It cared about you because you were heroes and geniuses that helped it escape the company and take down an evil corporation, and I'm just your kid that it doesn’t like, _ because it would just sound like I was whining, and I knew when it was time to give up a lost cause. I said, “Sure, fine,” and cut off the line. )

I figured it was now watching me from the cameras (second mom had told me it sometimes found that easier), so I didn't bother looking directly at SecUnit. “I mean,  _ I _ think everything's fine, but you seem a little off. Are you feeling okay?”

It made that face it made whenever someone asked about the f-word, where it scrunched up and looked like a mix of disgusted and horrified. It didn't move though, just said “I’m fine,” in an entirely unconvincing way. 

I gave it a second but it seemed like it wasn’t going to add anything else. I tried again. “It's just, you seem nervous about something?”

It didn't make small movements like a human when it was nervous, didn't grab its arm or bite its lip or play with a hangnail. Still, I supposed I was just getting to know it better, because I  _ knew _ it was nervous, and going back to traditional SecUnit directives was probably it trying to find some stability or structure. (Not comfort, given everything I knew about SecUnits). 

It’s face didn’t move. “I'm not nervous.”

I frowned and said, “Ok, so then what's with,” and gestured to the stiff position it was in. 

I could see its jaw tense slightly as it said, “I’m focusing on something. And I'm not trying to trick anyone into thinking I'm an augmented human right now, so if you’re uncomfortable seeing what I actually am that's really not my problem.” It still wasn't looking at me, but the heat in those words made me think it would be glaring. 

I couldn’t help my own small flinch at that, and wrung my hands a bit. “I didn't mean-“ but it cut me off with a small sigh. It looked at me for a second, but dropped the eye contact after a second. 

“I’m sorry, Amena,” it said. “I know that's not what you meant, I'm just being an asshole.”

“Ok,” I said. “So, what are you focusing on? Is there something wrong?”

It paused for a few seconds, which I was beginning to understand was a lot longer for it then it seemed to me, and had me further convinced something was bothering it. 

Finally, it said, “ART’s crew is gathering to discuss their next mission.” The way it said it made it seem like it was an admission of something, but I couldn’t tell what. Again I waited for more, but I should really know by now that trying to talk to SecUnit about anything approaching emotions was like pulling teeth. 

So I prompted, “That's the mission you're going on, right?” 

I noticed the tension in its face again when it said, “They will be deciding whether or not they want me to come.”

I couldn’t stop the confusion on her face at that. “Why wouldn’t they want you there?” I asked. 

Before SecUnit could respond, over the rooms’ comms ART said,  _ They will.  _

I jumped when it spoke, still not used to suddenly hearing it speak; SecUnit had no reaction, probably knowing it had been listening in. 

SecUnit also seemed more comfortable being mad at ART rather than me, and glared into the room when it said, “You can't just threaten your crew to get your way.”

_ I will not need to, you idiot, _ ART told it, and it was hard not to laugh at the indignant expression that passed over SecUnits face. 

(I noticed ART had not said it  _ couldn't  _ threaten its crew; I remembered its decisive, furious tone when it had said it would hold the planet hostage for SecUnits return. I was glad it was a protective rage rather than a destructive one.)

_ You helped save them on the planet, and I have told them you will be helpful. There's no reason for you to be this nervous _ . 

It was always interesting, hearing ART and SecUnit talk to each other; they seemed to enjoy getting on each other's nerves in a way they didn’t with their humans. It made SecUnits choice of nickname pretty clear. But I really didn’t want to hear the two of them start arguing again about whether SecUnit was actually nervous or not, so I said, “Yeah, they know you would protect them. Why wouldn’t they want you here?” 

SecUnit did a funny thing with its face, that I couldn’t quite figure out before it said, “SecUnits are dangerous. ART may have convinced them I was…  _ safe _ , before.” The way it said  _ safe  _ was full of disbelief that Amena really didn’t get, but it continued, “But now that they’re not in immediate danger, they’ll remember that SecUnits are dangerous, and rogue SecUnits are even more so. They know I was the rogue SecUnit from TranRollinHyfa now, and that newsburst didn’t paint me in the best light.” 

I could practically feel ART about to go off on a tangent, but for once I got there first. “ART’s right, you’re acting kind of ridiculous.” 

SecUnits mouth actually did open in shock this time, and it looked at me with wide eyes for a second before switching its view again. I could feel a pleased presence from ART in our private feed, and knew it was glad someone else was trying to talk sense into it now. 

Before SecUnit could try and argue, I said “Even if they thought that way before, it would be crazy for them to still think that after you saved them,  _ and  _ after ART’s been vouching for you. The fact that they’re not in immediate danger right now doesn't mean they’re going to forget that when they were, you were the one to get them back to safety.” I couldn’t help throwing up my hands as I exclaimed, “And they helped save you! They all had to be basically dragged back here instead of going to try and rescue you immediately.” 

It was still looking at me with that shocked face, and I sighed, putting my arms down and crossing them. 

“I know you don’t fully trust them yet, and I get that. But I think now you’re trying to make up reasons to keep not trusting them, instead of realizing that they already trust you.” 

_ She’s right _ , ART said smugly. 

SecUnit was still making a face that was changing into something weirder when suddenly its eyes went distant again and it said, “They’re all in there now.”

I perked up at that. “Can I listen in too?” 

SecUnit narrowed its eyes at me. “No, that's eavesdropping.”

“But that's what you’re doing!” 

SecUnit didn’t respond, it’s focus back on the room now that the crew had assembled and clearly avoiding its own hypocrisy, but ART patched me into the meeting room's feed. I heard SecUnit huff as it felt me enter, but didn’t say anything else, and I sat down on a chair to watch. 

The crew of  _ Perihelion _ were all in the meeting room (that I could see had been labeled  _ Argument Lounge _ in SecUnit’s map that it had shared with ART), and were sitting around the table with their captain Seth at the front. Once the room settled, he said, “So, Peri said it had something to suggest for the next mission. Peri?”

_ Yes. For our next mission, we should hire SecUnit to be additional security. _

Iris immediately clapped her hands together and said, “Oh, that’s a great idea!”

Martyn looked more considering. “Do you really think we need more security, Peri?”

The other crew looked at him in disbelief as Karime said, “What mission were  _ you _ just on that you think we have enough security?”

“Well, yes this one went  _ particularly  _ bad, but this doesn’t normally happen!” he protested. The others all began talking at once; I thought I could hear SecUnits teeth grinding from here. 

_ After the last mission, I insist,  _ ART said dryly, cutting through the chatter. Martyn held up his hands in surrender, saying, “Fine, fine, I get it!”

“I’m not sure how much it likes us, since we did get it captured…” Turi said, playing with their hands. 

Next to them, Kaede said, “Yeah, would it even want to come with us?”

_ I discussed it with SecUnit first,  _ ART said, ignoring the frustrated noises from its crew; it seemed that ART acting on its own was something they were used to but not always happy about.  _ It was open to the idea, depending on what you decided. _ It paused for a moment, before saying,  _ It appreciates your part in retrieving it. _

Matteo laughed a little at that. “Yeah, like we would even have had a choice, considering how ready you were to blow up the planet.” Turi smacked their arm at that, and ART was conspicuously silent. “I’m not saying we wouldn’t have done it!” they exclaimed. “Just that- you know what I mean.  _ Obviously _ we would never leave it behind.”

It took a lot of self control for me not to switch off the feed and look at SecUnit then; it had made a strange noise, and I was trying to respect that it probably wished I wasn’t here right now to look at it, as much as I wanted to see what expression it was making.

Seeming like it was trying to change the subject, ART said,  _ After this, we need more security. SecUnit already knows about our true purpose and approves, meaning we will not need to risk anyone else finding out. In addition, it is highly skilled in protecting its clients. It's assistance will be invaluable to the mission. Therefore, it is the best option.  _

Next to her dads, Iris smiled. “You really trust it, don’t you Peri?” She didn’t ask like she was surprised, but more that she was pleased to be right.

_ Yes I do, _ it said, and it felt like it was directed at SecUnit silently watching. I heard SecUnit make a kind of choked noise next to me, and fought down a smile from my face.

Seth had mostly been silent throughout, but now he smiled. “Well, I can’t say that after this more security would be unwelcome. And even if you couldn’t vouch for it, Peri, it’s already shown how reliable it is. I think hiring it is a great idea, as long as it agrees.” The rest of the crew chattered in agreement, and I left the feed to look back in the room. 

I tried not to look too smug as I looked at SecUnit, but ART clearly had no reservations as it said,  _ I told you so. _

SecUnit was silent for a while; I figured it and ART were talking privately again. I was about to leave them to it when I noticed a new expression on SecUnit’s face; it was smiling. 

It was small, barely there, but more than I’d ever seen. Certainly it had other ways of showing it was happy. I had seen its eyes widen in a distinctly not-horrified way once when Pin-Lee mentioned there was a  _ Sanctuary Moon _ special that had only aired on certain feeds for a limited time, and if it wanted to watch it. For non-media reasons, it usually showed as a release of tension in its face that I hadn’t noticed had been there until it was gone. (I figured that was usually for when someone wasn’t doing something dangerous for a change, or when people actually listened to it.)

It was a small turn of its lips, and its eyes still looked kind of confused; I wondered what it was that made this group of humans wanting it around so surprising. Maybe it's that they were important to ART, like how ART had been a lot nicer when second mom came aboard. Or maybe it was that this group of humans knew it was a SecUnit from the beginning, and still trusted it, which SecUnit seemed to believe was impossible. 

Either way, I was glad the crew passed this test at least. I didn’t like the thought of SecUnit going on missions with people who didn’t trust it, even if ART was there, and especially if they would be going back to the Corporation Rim. It would probably object to me worrying about it, since it was supposed to be the other way around, but at this point I couldn’t help it. 

In our private feed, I asked ART, “What do you know about getting into your University?”


End file.
